We present an extract from The Tree That Bends, the new book from psychologist and author Ross White.
Modern life urges us to push relentlessly for what looks like success and to be resolute in avoiding anything less. But at what cost?
For clinical psychologist Ross White, a Tanzanian proverb - 'The wind does not break the tree that bends' signals the solution... His new book suggests ways to develop a flexible mind so that you can thrive, whatever storms life may throw at you.
Why the 'control agenda' doesn’t work for thoughts
In 2021, Google launched the Pixel 6 phone. TV adverts broadcast in the UK to promote the phone made much of the ‘Magic Eraser’ func- tion, which, for the first time, allowed users to circle parts of photos so that they could be removed – the annoying things that mess up images, like powerlines, pesky seagulls, passing traffic and . . . people. Whether it’s an unwanted photobomber, an ex-partner or someone whose smile wasn’t quite right, they can be removed – circle, click, ta-da! The tagline in the advert made me chuckle: ‘It’s perfect. Just like your memories, and how you want to remember them.’ If only our thoughts and memories were that simple. Our thoughts, like our emotions, can be stubbornly resistant to our efforts to control or erase them. Allow me to demonstrate that by inviting you to play a little game with me. It’s a simple game. All you need to do is follow my instructions. Ready?
Don’t think about a tree bending in the wind. And, whatever you do, don’t think about a tree with no leaves bending in the wind.
Whoops, you lose.
While this game might seem trivial, the same effect applies to more troublesome and unwanted thoughts that intrude into our consciousness. For example, commanding yourself not to think about the recurring thoughts about a recent time when you messed up would be equally futile. The so-called ‘rebound effect’, which was first noted by the late American psychologist Daniel Wegner, dictates that the harder we try to suppress thoughts, the more we end up experiencing them. Research has consistently shown that the wish to not have a thought is the surest way to have it. And yet, what advice do we give friends, family, colleagues and ourselves? ‘Don’t worry’ . . . ‘Don’t think so negatively’ . . . ‘Stop comparing yourself to others’ . . . ‘Don’t think of failing’ . . . While well intended, this advice can create further problems. Not only does it risk par- adoxically increasing the occurrence of those thoughts, but it also propagates a belief that these experiences are defective and should be avoided. That’s a lot of experience being ‘cancelled’ right there. A better approach would be to acknowledge and validate the feelings, and then discuss what support might be needed, e.g. ‘I am sorry that you feel worried, what do you think might be at the heart of that? What would be most helpful now?’
The flexible mind approach does not label thoughts and emotions as ‘positive’ or ‘negative’. When we label thoughts and emotions as ‘negative’, we create a pretext for trying to expunge them from our experience without understanding why they might be there in the first place, or exploring the opportunities for growth they might provide. These inner experiences can serve important functions in the situations in which they arise. You wouldn’t label your fingers and toes as ‘positive’ or ‘negative’, even though you might experi- ence pain or discomfort in those parts of your body. So, too, with emotions. Research led by Emily C. Willroth, a psychologist based at Washington University in St Louis, has shown that people who make negative judgements about emotions such as sadness, anxiety or anger (i.e. evaluating them as bad, harmful or inappropriate) have uniquely low levels of psychological health – not just now, but into the future, too. That’s not to say that the thoughts and emo- tions you experience in your life aren’t difficult or challenging. As I have shared in this chapter, I know from my own life that they absolutely can be. Instead, it’s about instilling a willingness to turn towards challenging and difficult emotions, rather than away from them. While we may not want emotions, the willingness to have emotions is an integral part of living with vitality. Put simply, a willingness to experience hurt and pain is the price of admission to living a full life.
Facing your emotions – the POPLAR technique
To develop your willingness to be open and curious about your own emotions, the next time you experience challenging or difficult feel- ings, work through the following steps, represented by the acronym POPLAR:
Pick up on the fact that the situation has provoked a strong emotional reaction in you.
Observe the most prominent emotion – is it anger, fear, shame, guilt, panic or something else?
Pinpoint your immediate urges to react. For example, depending on the circumstances, you might be tempted to quit, remove yourself from the situation, send a strongly worded email, placate the other people present, etc. See if you can allow the urges to be there without reacting to them.
Locate where in your body you are feeling the prominent emo- tion – is it in your chest, abdomen, head or somewhere else? Assign physical properties to the felt experience of the emotion. If it had a colour, what colour would it be? If it had a weight, would it be? If it had a texture, what would it have?
Recognize that you can hold the emotion in that moment, the next moment, and even the moment after that . . . and that you can choose to respond in a way that is consistent with how you want to be in the world.
Consider doubling down on your willingness to be open to that prominent emotion by writing it on a piece of paper and placing it in your wallet or purse – in a location where you will see it from time to time. Wherever you go, you’ve chosen to bring your emo- tions with you. I have used this approach with many clients, some of whom have been experiencing intense emotional reactions. It takes a bit of practice, but clients find it very helpful. A point that I emphasize to my clients is that, at the end of the six steps, they are still free to follow through with the initial urge they had to react. It is their choice, and it is important that they are empowered to make it. My experience has shown that they very rarely go with that option, however. You, like them, can be willing to have strong emotions and yet not let those emotions dictate how you respond.
The Tree That Bends is published by Quercus
Disclaimer: The copyright of this article belongs to the original author. Reposting this article is solely for the purpose of information dissemination and does not constitute any investment advice. If there is any infringement, please contact us immediately. We will make corrections or deletions as necessary. Thank you.
